Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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