you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
