My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
