hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
