If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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