but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
