Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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