i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
