the condom got lost in my hair
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
