ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Text me some of your sweat
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
