Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
