she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
