you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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