Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
