Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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