how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
