I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
