You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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