Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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