He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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