Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
