What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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