new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
