this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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