I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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