I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
