My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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