im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
There's always time for handjobs
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
