guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
