He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Two words: blizzard sex
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
