You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
