i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
