Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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