someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
