you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
