Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
