i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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