I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
