Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
