My Higher Power is John Stamos
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
