My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
