after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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