I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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