I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
