My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
