felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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