I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
