Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
