If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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