Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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