Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
